chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
