Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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