In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
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Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
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