did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
