Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
