Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
