i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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