remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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