The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
