Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
