I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
third nipple confirmed
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
