how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
