Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
