i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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