i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
