if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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