It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
