She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
