i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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