I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
