There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
