we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
