Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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