Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
