hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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