broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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