this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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