1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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