she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Everclear isn't food dammit
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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