can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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