When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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