Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
