Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
