Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
