He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
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I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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