The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Im part way to drunk.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
