I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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