im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So many bounce houses so little time
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
