Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
