if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
