I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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