I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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