I will die if light touches me.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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