I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
