Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
