What did we do last night that was yellow?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up under a house in Key West
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