Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
