I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
