Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just gift wrapped bread.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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