I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
