fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
