he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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