lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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