she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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