If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
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my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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