I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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