I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
