Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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