honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
